Nancy's Memorial Service + Update

Dear ones,

Many of you have asked how the service went on Sept 12. Sorry for the delay in getting to this...

Earlier in the day, a good dozen of our closest friends and family gathered in our home to assemble/prepare various cheese platters/flowers/baked delights etc. A lovely atmosphere that Nancy would have loved.

It was a beautiful, heartfelt ceremony, befitting our beloved Nancy. I am sure she is delighted, and knowing her, a bit shy at all the attention. There were roughly 450 people, many of whom travelled from various distances to be there. The dental school did a beautiful job with posters, flowers, balloons, and transformed the space from classroom-y to Nancy-y. The room was a large amphitheatre at UBC, with giant screens onto which were projected larger-than-life images of Nancy's life, from diapers to casket.

I'd struggled with what to say...how does one say goodbye to a person such as Nancy, when that is the last thing I wanted to do? So I launched myself into the photo tribute project, and as the slideshow began to take form, so too did my words. If you wish to read what I said, please feel free to send me a note. Likewise with the slideshow and a memento bookmark.

The space was opened by the High Spirits Choir lead by Ieva Wool. Nancy sang with this choir for years, and the choir members' love of Nancy came through warmly. The Dean of Dentistry, Chuck Shuler, welcomed us, and was followed by beautiful comments from Ingrid Emmanuels (Nancy's partner in crime at UBC), Ahmed Hieawy who was a UBC student of Nance's, Toni Pieroni (Nancy's dear old friend, her former hygienist, and Gemma's godmother), and David Scott, Nancy's brother who provided a family perspective, and finally myself. I doubt there was a dry eye in the house...

I planned on closing with everyone singing Amazing Grace to a bagpipe version that Nancy loved, but didn't dry-run it...and the music turned out to be much too slow to accompany singing! But we heartily sang it anyway, and then Gemma motioned that she wanted to speak. With amazing poise, she reminded us how Nancy loved a good party, and that we needn't head into the reception feeling so gloomy. Cheer up and remember her with joy! With this permission, we all headed to tables heaped with food we all brought, and stayed for hours, chatting, reminiscing, laughing, crying together. It was marvellous. Nancy as always was both right at the heart of it, and on the fringes, taking care of everyone.

I hired a professional videographer who not only taped the memorial in its entirety, but also recorded short testimonials from a variety of people in Nancy's life. I look forward to the finished product.

Along with the bookmark and handout for donating to the Dr Nancy Scott Memorial Award for UBC Dental students, there was a guest book into which many wishes and memories were inscribed. If you were unable to attend and wish to be included in this book, please leave a comment below this post, or email me directly, and I will ensure it is included.

Deep thanks to all of you who baked, who helped, who travelled, who wept. Our hearts are joined in memory, in sadness, and in the rejoicing that we knew Nancy, and loved her.

Many of you have asked how Gemma and I are faring...Gemma is recovering from a combination tonsillectomy/adenoidectomy. She's still in a lot of pain, but riding it out bravely without her mummy. I'm plumbing new depths to the meaning of selflessness in my nurse duties. Quite amazing, really, to be in total, devotional care to another around the clock. In her deep generosity, Nancy was SO good at this, and I'm just coming to terms with my own struggles around it. 

I’m interviewing the first candidate to serve as nanny/housekeeper tomorrow. Hopefully, this will work out and make a big difference. I feel ready to surrender the cleaning/cooking/laundry/grocery shopping etc portion of parenting, and I’m glad I did it on my own these last 6 months as I now have a very clear articulation of our needs.

My ambition/sense of urgency continues to significantly outpace what I can get done in a day. There is still a lot of grief coming through, and the start of school and Gemma’s surgery/recovery has highlighted in new ways what a giant hole we are learning to live with. The fabric of our lives has been blown apart, and its regeneration is a process of picking up the myriad threads and weaving them anew, in an emergent process that knows its own pace and direction. My mission is to co-creatively dance with this emergence, and to continue to acknowledge and accept and release my impatience so as to be more fully present to the dance. Good thing I only have massive, and not gargantuan, control issues…

I’ve come to realize that one of the functions of grief is to provide space for dreams to be reconstituted. When Nancy died, so did all of her own dreams, of course, but also my dreams for her, my dreams about our future together, Gemma’s dreams about having a mother, etc. These dreams go much deeper than what I could have imagined before Nance’s passing. The “dreams” are the tip of the iceberg, and the submerged part is the less-than-fully-conscious expectations/ assumptions/ imaginations about a future that implicitly included Nancy. The melting of the iceberg is like the detonation of a nuke in the psyche, and getting up off the ground after the shock wave turns out to be complex, painful and slow. But we are together, and while some days, to win means simply to make it till bedtime, other days unfold with more sweetness and grace, and for that we are grateful, and sense Nancy's gentle spirit with us.

In closing: On September 12, the day of her memorial, a stalk started to appear on a beautiful plant in the back yard. And just days ago, it started to bloom, in stages, with each day revealing more bloom. Gemma and I feel convinced this flower is our Nancy: tall, gorgeous, multi-faceted, delicate, rich, glorious. Here she is:

 

Nancy's Last Tea Party - Sept 12

Dear family, friends,

Nancy loved a good tea party, and has hosted untold dozens of them. And, she loved to get dressed up, too. So we're combining these as the theme for Nancy's memorial service on September 12 at UBC!

Please come dressed up to honour our beloved Nance, and also, please bring some baking! This idea is inspired by Tracy Tessler, and I must admit to some trepidation in suggesting it...Nancy and I often had these types of discussions, where her magnanimous generosity would want her to provide everything, and not ask for contributions. At the same time, so many people have been asking how they can help, how they can honour Nancy, and this seems so fitting. As you may know, Nancy was a baker extraordinaire, whose legendary brownies and lemon squares and cakes have produced a legacy of blissful smiles and satisfied palates. If you feel inspired to bake or buy something, go for it! Chocolate and lemon were her favourites, but caramel was right up there too...

We are expecting between 400 and 500 people!!

As a reminder:

1. The service will be held on Friday of next week, September 12 at 5:00 pm at UBC: Woodward Instructional Resources Centre - IRC Building at 2194 Health Sciences Mall. You are warmly welcome. The formal part of the service will be done by 6:30, and tea/coffee/baking/cheese & fruit will be served in the foyer afterwards

2. I am collecting photos of Nancy - mainly just to have them and enjoy, but also for potential use at her memorial service on Sept 12. Do you have any favourite shots of her you'd be willing to share? Please send them to me ASAP in as high a resolution as you can by email to ajohnson@wimsey.com

3. Please contribute to Nancy's legacy by donating to the Dr. Nancy Scott Memorial Award for UBC dentistry students: http://memorial.supporting.ubc.ca/dr-nancy-scott/

With love and the fond hope of seeing you on the 12th,

Andrew & Gemma

Call for photos

Dear ones,

I am collecting photos of Nancy - mainly just to have them and enjoy, but also for potential use at her memorial service on Sept 12.

Do you have any favourite shots of her you'd be willing to share? Please send them to me in as high a resolution as you can by email to ajohnson@wimsey.com

Gemma and I are doing OK...and we look forward to seeing many of you on the 12th.

With love,

Andrew

Two things

Hello again,

Many have said that you have not received the information about Nancy's memorial, and also about the opportunity to contribute to her legacy. Here's what you need to know:

1. Nancy's memorial service will be held September 12 at 5:00 pm at UBC: Woodward Instructional Resources Centre - IRC Building at 2194 Health Sciences Mall. You are warmly welcome.

2. Please contribute to Nancy's legacy by donating to the Dr. Nancy Scott Memorial Award for UBC dentistry students: http://memorial.supporting.ubc.ca/dr-nancy-scott/. Alternatively, you can send funds by mail to UBC with cheques payable to ‘UBC Dentistry’ memo ‘Dr. Nancy Scott Award’:

UBC Faculty of Dentistry

Development Team

204-2199 Wesbrook Mall

Vancouver, BC  V6T 1Z3

Nancy's obituary is in today's newspapers (Globe & Mail, Calgary Herald, Vancouver Sun)...I guess it must be true if it's in the papers...

xo, Andrew

Nancy's burial

Hello again,

A number of you have asked me how things unfolded after Nancy's passing.

We kept her at home, and she was washed and dressed by her girlfriends. They also transformed my office into a shrine to Nancy...it was lovely and heartbreaking all at once. Meanwhile, my men worked with me to complete Nancy's casket. The wood is reclaimed old-growth cedar, hundreds of years old. Fitting for such an old soul as Nancy. My mother Constance, brother Martin and sister Marie arrived that evening in time to join a few close people to doodle on Nancy's casket with coloured markers, as she had requested.

On June 7, we had a stunningly beautiful day on Galiano Island, where the cemetery is like a scene from a movie: exquisite, lovely, wooded, on the water's edge, with birds singing above in the canopy. Nancy's spot is in a clearing, with a view to the ocean through the trees.

Teresa Jones had decorated the gravesite with masses of roses that Gillian and Richard had provided, and it looked gorgeous. We set Nancy's casket on the grass, in the shade of a large maple tree, and sat around her on blankets and cushions. Nancy's siblings Paul, David and Olivia doodled on the casket, completing a full coverage of love tributes. Toni and Larry graciously lead the service, consisting of readings, poetry, singing, audience participation, waving, and a lot of kleenex...

We lowered her casket into the ground, and sprinkled her with flowers and soil. Gemma took her shoes off and trod all over the mound of soil that was to cover the grave.

Afterwards, Linda and Robin Heppenstall kindly hosted a luncheon at their lovely new home at the north end of the island, where we spent the afternoon reminiscing and cherishing our magnificent and beautiful soul.

It's only been a bit over two weeks, which feels both like an eternity and no time at all. Right now, her absence is a searing, crushing weight, yet the full richness of her beautiful life is a sweet balm on our grieving hearts.

I am not sure if I will write again in this space. I have a lump in my throat about this, as if writing here is a living thread to her existence. Exiting this space somehow reinforces the finality of her passing. But that is what we are facing now - just as Nancy and I faced this together by holding open the polarities of preparing for the worst while hoping for the best, Gemma and I must now co-create our future together without our beloved soul-mate and mummy. But not entirely without, as Nancy's huge love lives on in our hearts, our minds, our habits. Her enduring legacy is immense, and to sum it up most powerfully, for me, would be this: she showed us how to love. Thank you my love, my one and only.

And thank you to all her friends, her family, who showered her with support of all kinds, and with care and love throughout her illness. Your kindness is imprinted on Gemma's heart, and on mine.

Nancy's memorial service: September 12 at UBC

Dear friends, family,

Thank you for your cards, calls and notes left here on the blog. We feel very supported and surrounded by your care and love, though our hearts are broken, unfathomably.

You are warmly invited to her memorial service.

Here's what appears in tomorrow's Globe & Mail, Calgary Herald, Vancouver Sun and National Post:

NANCY JOHNSON

DR. NANCY SCOTT

Our magnificent, beautiful One passed on June 4, peacefully at home with Andrew & Gemma. She leaves a blazing trail of warm radiance and stunning competence. A gifted dentist to thousands, a beloved and award-winning teacher at UBC, Nancy’s facility to love unlocked all façades. We felt more whole in her presence. Her boundless devotion was mirrored by friends and family who poured forth heroic support in her illness. Our gratitude to you is immense.

Nancy was born in Calgary in 1955 (Ernest Manning High, ’72) where her siblings Clive, Robert, Anthony, Olivia and Paul still live. David is in Squamish BC. She is predeceased by her parents Gordon and Barbara.

A memorial service will be held on Sept 12 at 5:00 pm at UBC: Woodward Instructional Resources Centre - IRC Building at 2194 Health Sciences Mall.

In lieu of flowers, please contribute to her legacy, the Dr. Nancy Scott Memorial Award for UBC dentistry students: http://memorial.supporting.ubc.ca/dr-nancy-scott/

Nancy has passed

Dear friends, family,

My beloved Nancy, my one and only, passed away early this afternoon. It was very peaceful, and mercifully quick, and best of all, she was fully conscious - just as she wanted. She died at home (she came home on Monday), holding my hand, with Gemma right there. She was surrounded by love.

She will be interred on Galiano Island, as she wished, on Saturday, in a casket she asked me to make with the help of friends. This will be a closed event. There will be a memorial service in the coming weeks, and as soon as I have details, I will post them here.

The hallmark of Nancy's life was the kind and warm love she bore for all of us...and as I write these words, I can feel her love enveloping us still. Tonight, the clear sound of her freedom and peace resonate within my heart.

Rivers of gratitude pour forth for you who helped, supported, made meals, kept vigil, prayed, chanted, and most importantly, offered love. Your outpouring is humbling and graciously received, if not always overtly.

This is all for now, but I will write again.

Blessings, love,

Andrew

Friday Update.....

This update is from a friend - Nancy asked me to post so that will know what is happening in her world.
Nancy is still at St. Paul's Hospital.......she is improving everyday.    She will keep you updated.
She loves you all, but she is not ready for visitors.  Please feel free to post your comments on this blog.   She cannot reply to you - but she loves hearing from you.   Nancy says "have a great weekend!"

Today's photo

Nancy's Book Club - 1st recommendation

Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani

I have found this book to be very inspiring, particularly Part 3. I offer it to you so that you may join me in this inspiration. And, while Anita's journey is remarkable, it is not predictive of anyone's future.

Gemma, Andrew and I are enjoying this beautiful day together - we've started a big 3-D puzzle! I feel great. Love, peace, joy.

[Monty Python accent] "I'm not quite dead yet!"

I'm back.

I feel wonderful. Only peace, joy and love exist for me now, as fear has fallen away. I know this may not yet have occurred for you, and if not please hang in there - peace is but a breath away.

It's been a week of tremendous ups and downs. I'm still at St Paul's in palliative care, and they have done a wonderful job of draining the fluid in my lungs, and of drying them out with steroids (thanks Tyleen!), and they are hard at work trying to get me out of here so that I can move to a hospice near our home.

A few days ago, the physicians had a very difficult conversation with Andrew about my future, and how short it's going to be, in their opinion: a couple of weeks. AND, they also tell me that this estimate is simply that - an estimate. Keep in mind that at the time, I was at a low point physically and emotionally, and that since then, I've come through a lot, and am myself again, as you can see in the photos. Yesterday: showing off my legs; today: blissing on the sunshine in my room, dressed!

I contain all perspectives, and while all of them are valid, the most important is my experience of the present as it occurs for me: peace, joy and love. I experience NO FEAR. The miracle I have been creating and speaking about is occurring NOW. Please keep the faith you have demonstrated you possess and continue to send it in my direction. This message is in no way a goodbye. From the beginning, Andrew and I have  been planning for the worst and hoping for the best, so this is not about denial.

I am in touch with my profound love for all of you. I am in touch with the fact that who I AM is profound love. I am also selfishly guarding my time with Andrew and Gemma. Until I move to the hospice (hopefully on Tuesday!), please no visits at the hospital. I know that requests for Andrew's time have been made. I wish to clearly state here that his time is for me. He is a prince and a saint among people.  As time stretches forward, he will become more available to be with you, but for now please leave him to me. I look forward to sharing him again with you in times to come. Please use the comments section below to communicate with us.

Gemma is a fantastic human being surrounded by loving, caring people (many of you reading this are these people). We all get to love her and watch her grow - aren't we fortunate!

I have a life blessed by all of you!!!  I am surrounded by love and in love with you all.
What an adventure we are on!!!

(for Monty Python fans, the last part of the skit of my life is not yet written...so we don't know how or when it's going to end...)

The breath of life

From Andrew:

In the last two weeks, Nancy's breathing has become progressively more difficult. A week ago, we required oxygen at home, and as the week wore on, she needed it more and more constantly. On Sunday, Nancy was in real difficulty, struggling for breath and experiencing acute anxiety/panic attacks when she became short of breath - that feeling of being underwater, and the surface is too far. You may know that she suffered from asthma as a child, in the days before puffers, so the terror is compounded by old memories.

On Monday morning, it was clear that we could not remain at home, as Nancy was in serious difficulty, and an ambulance trip to St Paul's hospital was quickly arranged. Scans and x-rays were performed, and the diagnosis was that taking a steroid to reduce the inflammation in her lungs and pleura would help, along with draining fluid that had accumulated in her chest cavity. That procedure was done this afternoon, and it has made a tremendous difference, "a new lease on life" says Nancy. Her breathing is much eased and free-er, she feels relieved, and looks a whole lot better too! We are all taking deep breaths of great gratitude and relief, and smiling with new hope. The photo was taken this afternoon after the procedure.

It is not impossible for her to still make it to Brazil on Sunday, but that seems quite unlikely at this point. We will see. In the meantime, she is delighted to be benefitting from the ministrations of a remarkable physiotherapist named Kristen Rose Duncan, who works with energy in effective and healing ways. Three more treatments on the way!

Nancy's pain is also now very well managed, using hydromorphone. A fantastic difference to no longer have pain be in the way. So now that pain and breathing are both improved, we hope that more mobility will return, as walking had become more or less impossible in the last week or so.

For now, Nancy remains in palliative care at St Paul's, likely for another couple of days, and then hopefully back home if we can arrange for suitable oxygen.

Nancy sends her love to you, and her heartfelt thanks for your intentions and prayers, which are surely helping. Keep 'em coming, please!

I am now off to secure a tasty dinner, as the food offered at the hospital is pretty much what you'd expect.

From me, an outpouring of thanks to all the heavenly and earthly Angels who are assisting in making this journey be one that is trimmed with love, support, practical help, and emotional and spiritual sustenance. With great love to you.

The Sunday Post

It's a beautiful spring afternoon, and Andrew and I are sitting on our back porch, enjoying the sun and flowers. It has been almost a month since my last post, just after my surrogate surgery, and what a month it has been!

I have encountered setbacks, sleepless nights, pain, and loss of faith at times. Andrew and I have commented on how much easier it is to remain upbeat when well-rested and not in pain...everything goes in cycles, and so what is painful one day may not be the next, but a new painful spot may start. It seems that most of the pain is mechanical such as a pull in the groin that will disappear one day as a result of coughing. My current most intense pain is in my right shoulder blade on my back, there is intense knotting that keeps me awake at night. I had a similar pain in February that a visit to the acupuncturist solved, but for now we are hoping that a visit to the physio on Tuesday will offer relief.

I've not gone to work the last few weeks, as I've not been up to it, and so have been spending more time at home. I do tire of being in one place so long, cabin-fever, I guess. So I'm inviting you to reach out and call me! If I am able to answer, great, and if not, I'll see your name on call display or hear your message, and feel the love all the same.

I've not wanted to write a post from this weakened state; I want to be able to remain hopeful and optimistic, but when I don't feel like that, I tend to not communicate. It's taken me awhile, but I still wanted to reach out to all of you, and from this place of tiredness and weakness, I want you to know how much I love you.

There have been good days peppered throughout this month, including the day I went to see my physician Ellen Coburn this past week, when I had a few great pain-free days. I got the go-ahead from her to travel to Brazil! My glorious friend Tracy will drive up from Eugene and accompany me on this journey.

I am mostly very excited about Brazil (I leave in exactly three weeks), but sometimes the pain and fatigue wear me down, and so goes my enthusiasm. So I'm asking Andrew to post a picture of me taken over Easter weekend in the best hot tub in the world at the Heppenstall's on Galiano Island, and that feels more upbeat.

From Andrew:
Many of you have asked how Gemma and I are faring through this. Gemma is well. Her chosen way seems to be a form of "conscious denial", i.e. she is aware that she doesn't want to talk about it much, or at all. And that's perfectly fine and understandable. She'll deal with it more overtly when she is ready, and in the meantime, I want to support her enjoying her childhood. On a few occasions, she has had some good crys, at bedtime, so she is letting off some steam as well. And she is blessed, as we are, with a wonderful community of friends - some close by in the neighbourhood, others further afield. I love that much of her free time is spent playing outside with various groups of friends, much as many of us did as children.

I am mostly OK and solid. Which means, some of the time I feel OK and solid, at other times I feel overwhelmed and terribly afraid, and sometimes I feel mostly OK with a trace of fear/apprehension/grief/worry that lurks in the background. So it's a bit kaleidoscopic...I am ever so grateful to have spiritual teachers from whom I'm continuing to learn to embrace reality as it presents itself, not as I wish it to be. And this situation affords us with practically infinite opportunities to practice. Layers and layers of depth to it. Whew.

I'm continuing to work some, and that is a mixed experience too. While it does distract me and fulfills me, it also takes time I could be devoting to Nancy and Gemma and home. But Nancy wants space to herself at home, and wants me to keep working. For now, I am doing so, feeling grateful for being able to organize things as manageably as possible.

Many of you have asked how you can help...and we've seen how great people feel when there is something specific they can do. I've so appreciated your calls to check in on me, and while I am not able to return them all, I love hearing your love and support. With Nancy's condition being more challenging of late, we are re-instituting the meal list for 2-3 meals per week only. As before, we will use the planning document at https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UtWdtgakyUxGIOf6O-rrTAb5PU6e1OqHdY6Wv7L6cjc/edit?pli=1

Our hearts are full of love for you, our wonderful community of family and friends. Your care and solicitousness touches us beyond words. May the peace that is beyond understanding, beyond having good or bad days, continue to reveal itself ever more fulsomely in each of us.

Post at High Noon!

What a trip!  From the sounds of it, many of you were with me! (Photo taken yesterday of Constance, my mother-in-law (second from right), with some of her brothers and sisters in the Bahamas, after they prayed and drew hearts on the beach during my "surgery").

I have been on many different types of journeys over the course of my life and this one was in a class of its own.

Physically the miracles started unfolding during the first few hours.  I was actually hungry all day yesterday (I've not felt hungry in weeks) and the greatest thing was that I was able to eat all the wonderful food that Andrew brought to me.  He was the perfect chef and keeper of the space and I love him more all the time.  I didn’t have to take any antacid and I’m sure I will be putting on some needed pounds very soon. But just as the Entities “said” to me, the stomach is the easy part! 

The healing in my body (legs, spine, joints etc) took a different path: intense sessions of pain that responded if I simply allowed them to be.  I had to experience them without adding or subtracting and then they would disappear.  The waves came and went for many hours and throughout the night until they started to diminish.  Today I am almost pain free and I can move in a freer and more natural way. The first activity I engaged in after my 24 hours of surgery was a little tour of the back yard which is being lovingly restored by my friend Sharon Hanna and her pal Jill.

My lungs are a work in progress.  I can breathe more easily and don’t experience the same shortness of breath.  I feel like the Entities did some “physical surgery” and that there will be follow-up work at the “suture removal” session (when I go to bed next Thursday night I am to wear white, leave a glass of water at my bedside and give thanks in the morning).  I will need to be aware that I am recuperating from surgery and take care of myself.

Emotionally and spiritually, my experiences were as real and intense as anything on the physical plane. From the beginning of the session I was confronted with the barriers I put in the way of my miraculous healing.  My mind flashed through all the reasons that I am a person unworthy of healing.  I saw the mistakes I’ve made in my life that I felt were unforgivable.  I experienced my own inability to love myself and how that hampers my ability to love others.  I had to move through that with love and compassion for myself. The process lasted the whole time.  Even this morning at 8:30 I was confronting the belief that I can’t heal from cancer because several of my dear friends died and if Steve and Brandt didn’t live, why should I?  I will never know the answer to this question, but I came to peace with the fact that only the mind of God can know.  

My job is to live a fully as I can each and every day.  The entities did also mention that it is not my time and that I have more to do!  I take comfort in this.

I will leave you with this quote from Josie Ravenwing, the surrogate at the Casa (John of God's centre in Brazil) yesterday and my guide for my upcoming trip there:

John of God will do what he can to help you, but we need to do our part in this process as well, including looking at what we might need to change to support our own well being. Mostly this is internal: changes in thought patterns, attitudes about ourselves, releasing old grievance, etc. Sometimes it also involves outer changes.

Look within, find your answers!

I will keep you posted.

With love and gratitude.

Post: Surgery

Hi all

I realize I have been a bit remiss about posting over the last few weeks.  I have been going into work a few days per week!  It has been a real joy to see everyone and to take back the reins for my students. I have been tired and more short of breath in the last 10 days so that has slowed me down.  That said, I am still generally on an upward trend (as Andrew kindly reminds me when I get discouraged).  Today I had an intense acupuncture session which left me feeling weak, however, by this afternoon I am definitely feeling better.  My new mantra is, "just wait a few hours or days and it will be different" so I try not to stress about anything!

Well, tomorrow is just about here!

We are busy making room for more miracles and I am getting very excited.  The scheduled time for my "surrogate surgery" is 10:00 a.m. Vancouver time on Thursday April 3.  Surrogate surgery, or distance healing, is the same process that Wayne Dyer went through - so I will be in Vancouver the whole time. My surrogate is a lovely woman named Josie, who will stand for me before John of God in Brazil - this is more specific than the simple presentation of a photograph which is what I received last time. Surgery is to be followed by 24 hours strict bed rest. I am to have my meals brought to me and other than that, I am to relax. No talking (always a challenge for me), no radio, music, reading or distractions of any sort.

I will do a blog update on Friday (perhaps around noon) to let you all know what the first day was like. The first week is considered recovery time and there is a session the following week for “suture removal”.

More blogs to come but for now THANK YOU all.

With love and gratitude

PS - picture with Gillian taken last weekend at a dinner outing!

Post cancer!

Yippee!!!

Our faith and our prayers are being answered. Starting last Monday, I have turned a corner, and I feel like myself again! Strength has returned to my body. I still am doing a lot of healing, so I need to be careful to rest every day, HOWEVER, I was able to go into work at UBC for TWO (part) days last week! OK, there was a lot of hugging and celebration involved, but I did some work. It is so wonderful to be back with my students and colleagues - I feel blessed and happy to be able to do my work! The photo was taken on Thursday, just a few days ago, with my pal Ingrid.

Both of my acupuncturists noticed the shift in my health. Dr Lee, being so very astute, commented that I now "walk like a model".  The lovely Jennifer summed it up by saying "up until now, the good Chi and the bad Chi have been battling, but now the good Chi is stronger than the bad Chi".

This really matches my experience, because I feel good. I am able to sleep better but I still have to work on putting on some weight (this is a new experience for me). The most miraculous thing happened on Monday - my legs returned to being muscular in the course of one day - the muscle tone and firmness sprang back! Life is winning.

It's been miraculous for our family. With more energy and more of me available, it's possible for all of us to look forward to a brighter future.

What's important is that I am still on the path of recovery. I know in my heart and with every fibre of my being that all your prayers, meditations and visualizations on my behalf have been what is making this possible. My fear is that you may take this as a sign to stop, but I am urging you to keep going, please. Keep going on my behalf. I need you all.  I am having my "surrogate surgery" at 10:00am on Thursday April 3rd and I ask for your support at that time.

With love and gratitude in my heart
Nancy

Post Impressions

Happy Spring!!

Andrew and Roxy and I just got back from a lovely post-dinner / post daylight savings time / post-snow in Vancouver, walk.  I think I picked an excellent time of year to be facing so many challenges, with the weather having been so lovely (even the snowfall was beautiful), and now the sunshine and flowers are icing on the cake.

I find writing this blog challenging this time. I've been going through a lot of ups and downs in regards to physical symptoms and energy. Nothing in my past experience has trained me in how to be patient and forgiving when it comes to my health. I could always push myself and get results but now.... I know that generally I am on an up curve, but sometimes I lose sight of that during the down swings. I'm so fortunate to have Andrew and so many others to remind me of who I really am.

The biggest news in terms of my healing are two further opportunities with John of God. The first: on Thursday April 3 at 10:30 Pacific time, I have a "surrogate surgery". The guide that I am in touch with, Josie Ravenwing, will stand in for me in Brazil, while my orders are to take 24 hours of complete bed rest. For any of you who have been Googling John of God, this is the same procedure that Dr. Wayne Dyer had, curing him of leukaemia. The second and more adventurous opportunity is that I am going to Brazil from May 18 to 31! Josie will be leading a tour group - she handles all the hotel and meal details, allowing me to avail myself of all the healing opportunities.

My day-to-day life includes organizing and taking the masses of supplements I'm on (thanks to Garry Gallagher for determining which are best for me); continuing appointments with my TCM Dr. Lee and my acupuncturist Jennifer; and resting and exercising as required. My latest addition will be to start taking Iscador which is an immune system booster, particularly for my killer T-cells (yay immune system, yay killer T-calls. Boo cancer cells) - which will help in all the visualizing that you are doing on my behalf.

In the arena of medical tests, there is no news (which we're taking as good news), but what is noteworthy is that all of the super-scary things I was warned of by the doctors have NOT come to pass. Other good news includes that I've read a couple of great books of fiction (i.e. not medical journals), and I look forward to reading many more.

From Andrew:
I am doing well, really. Thank you for checking in with me. I am getting regular exercise (glorious walks in the Endowment lands with our dog Roxy), social contact with friends and colleagues, and spiritual support from my dear Zen teacher Diane Hamilton. I'm continuing to open to this unfolding experience...

A couple of technical items:
1. A number of you have mentioned to me that you've not found a way to leave a comment on this blog. To do so, below each post, in the grey-shaded rectangle, you will find in small cursive print the words "comments", usually with a number beforehand, such as "6 comments". Please click on this, and you have an opportunity to write a comment in a new comment window where it says "Enter your comment..." Please make sure to leave your name in the body of your comments. Afterwards, it allows you to choose "comment as" and "select profile". If you do not have any of the accounts listed, simply select "anonymous", then click on the blue "publish" button, and you're done!
2. Others have wondered how to ensure you receive a notification of a new post entry - to do this, simply enter your email address under "subscribe to" at the top of the page, on the right side.

Stay well everyone and thanks for your continued love and support.

Peace out.

A.

Update to Postscript

OMG!!

Thank you for joining me while the Entity from John of God visited me at 8:30 this morning. I spent 45 minutes in this healing field, and I know that many of you joined me there. SO much happened during the session that my mind can scarcely hold it all. I keep having little tidbits arise that I tell Andrew about - I'm not even sure if they happened before, during or after the session. What I am very clear about, and what the Entity made very clear to me is that "I AM HEALING FROM CANCER, AND I AM WELL".

Physically, I am full of energy and nearly pain free. My day consisted of a wonderful breakfast with Andrew, followed by my art project for my coaching assignment. We then walked a few blocks to have lunch together at a local bakehouse - my walking felt splendid...feeling the sun on my face and the spring in my step.

While I was being visited by the Entity, Miguel and my most favourite ex-sister-in-law Krista, had a rainbow appear to them in Palm Desert - here it is! We're taking pretty much everything as a good sign these days, but this is an easy call, no?

Love always,
Nancy

Postscript

Hello again,

Just a short note to let you know that on Thursday Feb 27 (tomorrow) at 8:30 am PST, my photo will be shown to the Entities at John of God (JoG) for a "distance healing". This is the healer who has helped/healed thousands, among them my friends Jill Kennedy and Jonn Ashlie, and also author Wayne Dyer. John of God is a full trance medium who lives and works in Brazil.

I will be meditating for 15 minutes at that time tomorrow, and anyone who wants to join me is very welcome.

Let the miracles continue!

Love,
Nancy

Photo taken summer 2012

Post conventional approaches

Dear loved ones,

I send a hearty thank you to one and all. THANK YOU for including our family in your thoughts and prayers, for including me in your visualizations of my immune system working well, thank you for bringing delicious meals and helping with errands - all of this is holding our family together. Sometimes, at night, when I can't sleep, I lay in bed and I know that at that moment, somewhere in the world, one of you is sending love and praying. I am eternally grateful to each and every one.

It has been a roller-coaster ride since I last posted, two weeks ago. The first week was filled with energy and triumphs. I went to restorative yoga with my dear Toni (see photo as I am about to leave for the class), and last Monday I was able to drive myself to UBC for several hours of "work" (photo of me with Gemma as I'm heading out). It was a greeting/hugging love-fest that was very nourishing for me and for my faculty and students too.

This past week has been more challenging. I attempted to make an adjustment in my pain medication, which resulted in more...pain! I have now switched back. The lesson in this time has been to create an opportunity to include ALL of the emotions that are within me. Andrew and I have been practicing allowing room for our fear to be. We're finding that breathing light equally into all aspects of this experience is part of the gift. It also helps me to know that at times when my fears get the best of me, there is you, holding the vision and light for me to be well. Thank you.

My heart is filled with gratitude and love for all of you.

Second Past the Post

From Nancy,

(Comfortably on the couch, with Andrew dutifully typing exactly what Nancy says, and not editing as he goes (OK, maybe only in super stealthy mode...):

Dearest friends,

I will never be able to put into words the feelings of being so loved and cared for that I have experienced in the last month. I am touched on the deepest level, moved to tears of joy and sorrow and I feel everyone's love and support in a visceral way. I've mentioned to a few friends that it's like having the best wake in the world, but I'm still here to hear all the wonderful things people say about me!

A lot has happened in the last two weeks...I completed my five sessions of radiation. I am moved to tears by the courage by several of my friends who have endured 80-90 sessions, which seems impossible and inhuman to me, but they did it. I am in the process of rebuilding my intestinal lining and my strength. I'm looking forward to being able to eat freely and with pleasure - I know that day is coming soon.

Over the next couple of weeks, I have appointments with various practitioners (naturopaths, TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) and acupuncturists, Iscador, healers with various approaches, Integral Coaching, etc). As you can see, my journey, like everyone's cancer adventure, will be unique. In a weird way, I am looking forward to it all!

My long term plans, along with my beloved Andrew & Gemma, are to visit the tomb of Bahá'u'lláh in Haifa Israel, and also to go on safari in Botswana. And perhaps make it to the Lotus Temple in Delhi, too...we shall see...

Ma Belle Soeur (my wonderful sister-in-law, who is smart and funny and kind), sent me this aid to visualization which I am now sharing with you:

THE DREAM TEAM

“DEWEY-THE-ALARM”

ROLE:

• Sounds the alarm to startle the Immunity Team and get them into action mode.

“MARG-THE-WARRIOR-PRINCESS”

ROLE:

• ·      Works in tandem with the Acupuncture Team;
• ·      Prods and pokes the Immunity Team into formation;
• ·      Reminds the Immunity Team of their function and responsibility;
• ·      Commands the Immunity Team into action;
• ·      Positive reinforcement being a powerful tool, she smiles while motivating the Team; and,
• ·      Looks good.

“JAMES-THE-HERDER”

ROLE:

• ·      Identifies targets;
• ·      Herds the Immunity Team towards the target;
• ·      Provides the extra “motivation” to the Immunity Team by keeping them on their game plan; and,
• ·      Ensures the protection of the immunity snack shipments to the Team.

So many of you have contacted me with suggestions and information - these are all so welcome, and I thank you for them.  I haven't the time to thank everyone individually, as it would take away from healing, at this point. I look at every suggestion, and feel into my internal filter of what my body and psyche tells me is a "yes".  I'm thankful for each occasion to do. Please know that each one is considered with deep appreciation for your love and concern.  I have been reading your blog comments and emails and listening to your phone messages. Similarly, I am delighted to be in receiving mode, but am unable to respond. I know that you understand this and feel OK about not getting a response from me.

Until the next post, I love you.

Note from Andrew:

Your kindness and solicitude in attending to meals and errands and special requests has been positively impactful at a "life-changing" level. I don't know how we'd do this without you...thank you from the bottom of our hearts. While this whole experience has me plumbing new depths of experience, I am delighted to report that gratitude and letting in caring and love are high on the list of such experiences. There is a sheen of self-sufficiency and competence that has quickly ceded ground to accepting help.

Many of you have asked me how you can help. If there is something specific or practical, please suggest it, or I will let you know. Otherwise, please try this if you feel so inclined: let the heart quality of gratitude and love infuse a moment of "normal" with your close one(s). There's nothing like "losing normal" to suddenly see and appreciate the thread of mystery and awe that is always there if we have open sight to see it and ready hearts to feel it.  It's easy to lose sight of the wonder that is our life in "normal" mode.

I am still working some and travelling for work a bit. Not a straightforward decision (every time), but life has its path, and flowing with it means all of this right now. Besides, quitting everything has a desperate, grasping quality that is unhelpful. So figuring out a balance that works for everyone in this new reality is a much more nimble exercise than "normal"!

With a touched heart and delight in your contact,
A.

First Post...not be confused with the last post...

From Nancy:

My dearest loves, if you are reading this, then you are near and dear to my heart, always. I am facing the biggest challenge of my life, and I love my life. What is called for here is no less than a miracle, and I intend with all my heart and soul for that to happen. I know that you will join me in this. All of us together, all our thoughts and prayers and meditations and love and food and support and tears and hugs are the substrate of this miracle. My friend Tracy wrote me a beautiful email that said "I know you intend for a miracle, but you ARE the miracle - period". She's a smart lady so she's probably right....too bad the written word doesn't convey context, as I'm laughing now.

The ground of being that I am coming from, to quote Aung San Suu Kyi, is to "prepare for the worst, hope for the best". What "hope for the best" means, to Andrew and me, is to live in happiness, in the present moment, with the firm intention that there be many, many present moments to enjoy, knowing that no one knows the future. Case in point: I have cancer? WTF????? I imagine that some could read this and think "oh there goes Nancy, she's always so darned positive..." but let me be clear - this is not a Pollyanaish "...everything will be OK...", I'm very clear that no one knows if everything will be OK, but I know that peace and happiness for me, and for Andrew & Gemma, is to live in this moment, right now. And in this moment, I'm still here.

I went to Vancouver General Hospital (VGH) on Thursday the 16th (two days after my 59th b-day!), to follow up on a troubling chest x-ray taken a few days earlier, after coughing for three months and having sore legs and back. I spent almost a week at VGH - the people were wonderful, but I was sure glad to get home, which is where I am now.

The exact pathology report is still not available, but the working diagnosis is primary lung cancer with metastases. I have now completed two radiation treatments for lesions in my spine at T1 and L4. This coming week I will have the final three on Mon/Wed/Fri. The purpose of these is to stabilize my vertebrae in order to protect damage to my spinal cord. I am nauseous and my energy is very low, but I am keeping the faith that sometimes things get worse before they get better. My friend Larry has done hypnosis with me to ensure the best possible outcome. It helps me to relax and to visualize my intention.

(I want to give a little background about my immune system. As many of you know, I am generally super healthy, with an immune system that had me avoid ALL the childhood diseases that my siblings had, and has saved me from ever experiencing the flu. However, my theory is that my immune system somehow went to sleep; it failed to recognize that the cancer cells are a threat.)

I think it might be helpful for me to share what it is I'm visualizing, so that we can collectively work on that visualization. As Jesus said, "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them". And if you're not a fan of his, then perhaps you believe in the interconnectedness of all life. 

I visualize my immune system waking up, and serving notice to the cancer cells that they are in the wrong place, and they need to vacate, tout-de-suite. My killer T-cells are jumping on the program and evicting the dead and dying cancer cells right and left. All the healthy, normal cells thrive, and re-double their efforts to heal. My blood vessels and lymphatic system are flowing with getting dead cancer cells out, and bringing in oxygen and life.

I've attached a photo taken not 10 days ago because I'm aware that in our default consciousness there is an image and a set of thoughts about what cancer is. As you can see, I am still me. Perhaps in some ways I'm becoming even more me. I've always felt a great deal of love for life and the people in my life, and now, in addition to the love going out, I'm opening and receiving the tremendous amount of love that is coming to me (I'm crying as Andrew is typing this for me, and they are tears of joy).

On Tuesday January 28, it's Gemma's 12th birthday, our precious Gem is developing into a beautiful pre-teen, complete with all the attitude, gumption, interests and energy that comes with the territory. Tuesday will be a very full day for her, including x-country skiing and snow tubing, her first away basketball game, and her Vancouver Bach Choir practice. This will be topped off with a pizza birthday party with her friends Amanda, Teryn and Iain. Her actual birthday party is a weekend in Victoria with her "sister" Abby. 

Words cannot begin to express my gratitude at having all of you in my life. 
Love always, 
Nancy.

Note from Andrew:
We so appreciate everyone's care in dropping off food, calling, visiting, etc. And, we're hoping this blog will allow for you to have easy updates...Nancy needs to rest a lot, and we want to spend our together in a way that is as uninterrupted as possible. I will do my best to keep this blog updated, and please feel free to leave comments/suggestions/cancer jokes/relevant links if you wish. My men's team has created a Google doc so that meals may be provided by those who wish to contribute. Please use this rather than dropping food off randomly. Many of you have already signed up for a meal; please know that we are immensely grateful, as our days are so full and intense that shopping and cooking seems practically unimaginable. This meal plan is a Godsend to us - thank you, thank you, thank you. Here is the link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UtWdtgakyUxGIOf6O-rrTAb5PU6e1OqHdY6Wv7L6cjc/edit?pli=1

If/as the need arises, we may also create another Google doc for Gemma care/support or other ways we may need support, such as getting Nancy to treatments and appointments . I have curtailed my travel schedule as much as possible, but there are still a few trips I will undertake, so support will be important especially during these times. As Nancy mentioned above, receiving support and love is wonderful and also vulnerable...I am feeling challenged at letting in all the love you are pouring out...what an amazing opportunity for me to stretch my being in new ways.

Some will offer support and love in ways that are more about prayer and meditation. Whatever circles or groups you participate in or know of, please include Nancy and her visualization in these.

Many of you have shown great love and care in ensuring that my needs are also attended to. Wow. Thank you. This too is wondrously challenging and vulnerable. Please don't let any crust I might display fool you; I am immensely touched and grateful. This is a journey for all of us...

Of course you are also wondering how Gemma is: she is doing and being amazingly well. As my Sensei Diane Musho Hamilton says, we all have a deep and innate sense of how to be with what seems unconfrontable. And in her inimitable way, so she is. She is deeply concerned, of course, at times angry, and fully engaged in her life. We couldn't love her more.

As I finish this post, I am overwhelmed with so much love that flows among us all, and marvelling at life's mysterious ways. May we all dwell in the apparent paradox of deep acceptance of the way things are, while intending for Nancy's health to shine into many more years with us all.

Peace out.