The Sunday Post

It's a beautiful spring afternoon, and Andrew and I are sitting on our back porch, enjoying the sun and flowers. It has been almost a month since my last post, just after my surrogate surgery, and what a month it has been!

I have encountered setbacks, sleepless nights, pain, and loss of faith at times. Andrew and I have commented on how much easier it is to remain upbeat when well-rested and not in pain...everything goes in cycles, and so what is painful one day may not be the next, but a new painful spot may start. It seems that most of the pain is mechanical such as a pull in the groin that will disappear one day as a result of coughing. My current most intense pain is in my right shoulder blade on my back, there is intense knotting that keeps me awake at night. I had a similar pain in February that a visit to the acupuncturist solved, but for now we are hoping that a visit to the physio on Tuesday will offer relief.

I've not gone to work the last few weeks, as I've not been up to it, and so have been spending more time at home. I do tire of being in one place so long, cabin-fever, I guess. So I'm inviting you to reach out and call me! If I am able to answer, great, and if not, I'll see your name on call display or hear your message, and feel the love all the same.

I've not wanted to write a post from this weakened state; I want to be able to remain hopeful and optimistic, but when I don't feel like that, I tend to not communicate. It's taken me awhile, but I still wanted to reach out to all of you, and from this place of tiredness and weakness, I want you to know how much I love you.

There have been good days peppered throughout this month, including the day I went to see my physician Ellen Coburn this past week, when I had a few great pain-free days. I got the go-ahead from her to travel to Brazil! My glorious friend Tracy will drive up from Eugene and accompany me on this journey.

I am mostly very excited about Brazil (I leave in exactly three weeks), but sometimes the pain and fatigue wear me down, and so goes my enthusiasm. So I'm asking Andrew to post a picture of me taken over Easter weekend in the best hot tub in the world at the Heppenstall's on Galiano Island, and that feels more upbeat.

From Andrew:
Many of you have asked how Gemma and I are faring through this. Gemma is well. Her chosen way seems to be a form of "conscious denial", i.e. she is aware that she doesn't want to talk about it much, or at all. And that's perfectly fine and understandable. She'll deal with it more overtly when she is ready, and in the meantime, I want to support her enjoying her childhood. On a few occasions, she has had some good crys, at bedtime, so she is letting off some steam as well. And she is blessed, as we are, with a wonderful community of friends - some close by in the neighbourhood, others further afield. I love that much of her free time is spent playing outside with various groups of friends, much as many of us did as children.

I am mostly OK and solid. Which means, some of the time I feel OK and solid, at other times I feel overwhelmed and terribly afraid, and sometimes I feel mostly OK with a trace of fear/apprehension/grief/worry that lurks in the background. So it's a bit kaleidoscopic...I am ever so grateful to have spiritual teachers from whom I'm continuing to learn to embrace reality as it presents itself, not as I wish it to be. And this situation affords us with practically infinite opportunities to practice. Layers and layers of depth to it. Whew.

I'm continuing to work some, and that is a mixed experience too. While it does distract me and fulfills me, it also takes time I could be devoting to Nancy and Gemma and home. But Nancy wants space to herself at home, and wants me to keep working. For now, I am doing so, feeling grateful for being able to organize things as manageably as possible.

Many of you have asked how you can help...and we've seen how great people feel when there is something specific they can do. I've so appreciated your calls to check in on me, and while I am not able to return them all, I love hearing your love and support. With Nancy's condition being more challenging of late, we are re-instituting the meal list for 2-3 meals per week only. As before, we will use the planning document at https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UtWdtgakyUxGIOf6O-rrTAb5PU6e1OqHdY6Wv7L6cjc/edit?pli=1

Our hearts are full of love for you, our wonderful community of family and friends. Your care and solicitousness touches us beyond words. May the peace that is beyond understanding, beyond having good or bad days, continue to reveal itself ever more fulsomely in each of us.