Nancy's Memorial Service + Update

Dear ones,

Many of you have asked how the service went on Sept 12. Sorry for the delay in getting to this...

Earlier in the day, a good dozen of our closest friends and family gathered in our home to assemble/prepare various cheese platters/flowers/baked delights etc. A lovely atmosphere that Nancy would have loved.

It was a beautiful, heartfelt ceremony, befitting our beloved Nancy. I am sure she is delighted, and knowing her, a bit shy at all the attention. There were roughly 450 people, many of whom travelled from various distances to be there. The dental school did a beautiful job with posters, flowers, balloons, and transformed the space from classroom-y to Nancy-y. The room was a large amphitheatre at UBC, with giant screens onto which were projected larger-than-life images of Nancy's life, from diapers to casket.

I'd struggled with what to say...how does one say goodbye to a person such as Nancy, when that is the last thing I wanted to do? So I launched myself into the photo tribute project, and as the slideshow began to take form, so too did my words. If you wish to read what I said, please feel free to send me a note. Likewise with the slideshow and a memento bookmark.

The space was opened by the High Spirits Choir lead by Ieva Wool. Nancy sang with this choir for years, and the choir members' love of Nancy came through warmly. The Dean of Dentistry, Chuck Shuler, welcomed us, and was followed by beautiful comments from Ingrid Emmanuels (Nancy's partner in crime at UBC), Ahmed Hieawy who was a UBC student of Nance's, Toni Pieroni (Nancy's dear old friend, her former hygienist, and Gemma's godmother), and David Scott, Nancy's brother who provided a family perspective, and finally myself. I doubt there was a dry eye in the house...

I planned on closing with everyone singing Amazing Grace to a bagpipe version that Nancy loved, but didn't dry-run it...and the music turned out to be much too slow to accompany singing! But we heartily sang it anyway, and then Gemma motioned that she wanted to speak. With amazing poise, she reminded us how Nancy loved a good party, and that we needn't head into the reception feeling so gloomy. Cheer up and remember her with joy! With this permission, we all headed to tables heaped with food we all brought, and stayed for hours, chatting, reminiscing, laughing, crying together. It was marvellous. Nancy as always was both right at the heart of it, and on the fringes, taking care of everyone.

I hired a professional videographer who not only taped the memorial in its entirety, but also recorded short testimonials from a variety of people in Nancy's life. I look forward to the finished product.

Along with the bookmark and handout for donating to the Dr Nancy Scott Memorial Award for UBC Dental students, there was a guest book into which many wishes and memories were inscribed. If you were unable to attend and wish to be included in this book, please leave a comment below this post, or email me directly, and I will ensure it is included.

Deep thanks to all of you who baked, who helped, who travelled, who wept. Our hearts are joined in memory, in sadness, and in the rejoicing that we knew Nancy, and loved her.

Many of you have asked how Gemma and I are faring...Gemma is recovering from a combination tonsillectomy/adenoidectomy. She's still in a lot of pain, but riding it out bravely without her mummy. I'm plumbing new depths to the meaning of selflessness in my nurse duties. Quite amazing, really, to be in total, devotional care to another around the clock. In her deep generosity, Nancy was SO good at this, and I'm just coming to terms with my own struggles around it. 

I’m interviewing the first candidate to serve as nanny/housekeeper tomorrow. Hopefully, this will work out and make a big difference. I feel ready to surrender the cleaning/cooking/laundry/grocery shopping etc portion of parenting, and I’m glad I did it on my own these last 6 months as I now have a very clear articulation of our needs.

My ambition/sense of urgency continues to significantly outpace what I can get done in a day. There is still a lot of grief coming through, and the start of school and Gemma’s surgery/recovery has highlighted in new ways what a giant hole we are learning to live with. The fabric of our lives has been blown apart, and its regeneration is a process of picking up the myriad threads and weaving them anew, in an emergent process that knows its own pace and direction. My mission is to co-creatively dance with this emergence, and to continue to acknowledge and accept and release my impatience so as to be more fully present to the dance. Good thing I only have massive, and not gargantuan, control issues…

I’ve come to realize that one of the functions of grief is to provide space for dreams to be reconstituted. When Nancy died, so did all of her own dreams, of course, but also my dreams for her, my dreams about our future together, Gemma’s dreams about having a mother, etc. These dreams go much deeper than what I could have imagined before Nance’s passing. The “dreams” are the tip of the iceberg, and the submerged part is the less-than-fully-conscious expectations/ assumptions/ imaginations about a future that implicitly included Nancy. The melting of the iceberg is like the detonation of a nuke in the psyche, and getting up off the ground after the shock wave turns out to be complex, painful and slow. But we are together, and while some days, to win means simply to make it till bedtime, other days unfold with more sweetness and grace, and for that we are grateful, and sense Nancy's gentle spirit with us.

In closing: On September 12, the day of her memorial, a stalk started to appear on a beautiful plant in the back yard. And just days ago, it started to bloom, in stages, with each day revealing more bloom. Gemma and I feel convinced this flower is our Nancy: tall, gorgeous, multi-faceted, delicate, rich, glorious. Here she is: