I feel wonderful. Only peace, joy and love exist for me now, as fear has fallen away. I know this may not yet have occurred for you, and if not please hang in there - peace is but a breath away.
It's been a week of tremendous ups and downs. I'm still at St Paul's in palliative care, and they have done a wonderful job of draining the fluid in my lungs, and of drying them out with steroids (thanks Tyleen!), and they are hard at work trying to get me out of here so that I can move to a hospice near our home.
A few days ago, the physicians had a very difficult conversation with Andrew about my future, and how short it's going to be, in their opinion: a couple of weeks. AND, they also tell me that this estimate is simply that - an estimate. Keep in mind that at the time, I was at a low point physically and emotionally, and that since then, I've come through a lot, and am myself again, as you can see in the photos. Yesterday: showing off my legs; today: blissing on the sunshine in my room, dressed!
I am in touch with my profound love for all of you. I am in touch with the fact that who I AM is profound love. I am also selfishly guarding my time with Andrew and Gemma. Until I move to the hospice (hopefully on Tuesday!), please no visits at the hospital. I know that requests for Andrew's time have been made. I wish to clearly state here that his time is for me. He is a prince and a saint among people. As time stretches forward, he will become more available to be with you, but for now please leave him to me. I look forward to sharing him again with you in times to come. Please use the comments section below to communicate with us.
Gemma is a fantastic human being surrounded by loving, caring people (many of you reading this are these people). We all get to love her and watch her grow - aren't we fortunate!
I have a life blessed by all of you!!! I am surrounded by love and in love with you all.
What an adventure we are on!!!
(for Monty Python fans, the last part of the skit of my life is not yet written...so we don't know how or when it's going to end...)
Dear Nancy and Andrew, I am sending you love your way. I am trusting that if there is any way that I can help you will ask me. For now I am here holding warm and loving thoughts. I am growing grapes for the first time and I was remembering the first time I tasted grapes off the vine was off your sun deck. Love the legs! Sending you both bunches of love
ReplyDeleteHi Nancy......love you so much. I just read your post out loud to Cherryl on the phone and she loved it - sends her love too (Cherryl Reed that is - you know, less talking, more wiping!)
ReplyDeleteI hope to see you very soon....need a squeeze from my fellow DM. xoxoxox
your abundance of peace joy and love is a blessing for us all -- I don't know what to say other than I am in awe! And, your gams are gorgeous. ox Linda Nicholls
ReplyDeleteWow. You did it. The miracle. I have shivers and awe and incredible love for you. Andrew. And Gemma. Love Erika
ReplyDeleteWhile a stranger in body and mind, I am a kindred spirit, sending all of you so much love from my heart and soul. I was with my mom in her process through non-hodgkins of 11 years, so while I'm not there with you, I can imagine the roller coaster rides, the emotions, the sadness, the elation...I'm glad to hear you claiming your Andrew--so wonderful. And I'm so happy to know that you have each other in this process.
ReplyDeleteMuch love from Portland,
Tamara Staton (fellow ICC Coach)
Dearest Nancy, feeling a deep sense of relief that fear has fallen away. What a gift to all of us! I feel the deep peace, love and joy emanating from you and it touches a deep peace and love within me. Sadness also comes up for me. It sounds like you've been through a lot in these past weeks - what a ride this precious life is... I feel like I want to delicately, tenderly and at the same time invisibly caress your face, that face that was caressed by the rays of the sun. Feeling so much love for you and hoping for the best. Namgyle also sends his love. Beautiful legs, by the way!! Gyata
ReplyDeleteI love you Nancy...Andrew...Gemma. I love your heart and strength and the gifts you are giving me. Everyday. With love and power for you and what you are doing for yourself, your family, and humanity. XO Linda
ReplyDeleteHey Nancy
ReplyDeleteSomehow your blog got forwarded to me some weeks ago (I think maybe from Ray and Andy) and I have been reading about your progress, your challenges, your courage and your amazing heart.
A few times I’ve tried to use the comments section of your blog – but I don’t think it has worked. Luckily, you’ve provided an email address this time so I’m using this to be in touch…
It’s been decades since we’ve been in touch! I left Vancouver in 1985 so it’s probably been close to 30 years! (Oh my is that even possible??)
I live in Perth Australia now. And mostly, I wanted you to know that I’ve been, and continue to, cheer you on from over here. It’s the other side of the world here – literally – and you have an ally, a partner and an entire cheering section here. I’ve been reading your blog to my teenage girls and together we’ve been sending you our best love, energy and light.
I have imagined that you have been getting energy from all over the world so I wanted you to know that some has been coming from Australia!
I wish you the very best of everything – sounds like you have the very best of a lot of things.
I’m not expecting a response from you – Clearly you are busy! But I will keep sending you my love every day and I’ll keep reading your and your husband’s blogs when they come.
Take good care of you.
All my love
Nicole Murray
- you knew me as Nikki Tremblay – Landmark in the mid-eighties.
xxooxx
Shine on Nancy! We are basking in YOUR light.
ReplyDeleteAnd we'll keep the love and prayers coming...for all three of you,
Shirley and Jim
Your beautiful legs photo is now the homescreen on my devices. That is rockstar status in some universe, I bet. XO
ReplyDeleteNancy may your every breath be filled with grace and love - you are the miracle; your radiance and beauty touch us all, your journey is an inspiration.
ReplyDeletemuch love
Ieva
My name is Elfi - I am a friend of Nancy, Andrew and Gemma's. Please kindly convey to Nancy that Gary and I are holding them all deeply in our hearts. We are grateful that, though from a physical distance, we are included in the circle of loving . I take Nancy's words deeply into account .
ReplyDeleteI thank you for being a messenger. We have no resistance to what is happening only our deepest awe and love and grief.
love
Dearest Nancy, I am holding you and seeing you in the golden pink light of eternal love. I know with every fiber of my being you are light and love. And I am so happy to read that the fear is gone. I am sure there is an ebb and flow in each day as you go through this journey. Thank you to dear Andrew and Gemma and all your friends who are there with you now. Although I am not with you physically, I am with you always in love. I sent some beautiful photos to your email of our trip to Salt Spring last year. There is an especially beautiful one of you and Gail with a big rose at the center of the photo. You are this beautiful rose! I love you. Diane
ReplyDeleteI want you to know I love, love and love you. You have been in my thoughts and prayers since I read the first blog post – Andrew and Gemma too. I would love to come see you, if even just for 5 minutes, and to bring you some spring flowers. I remember how much you loved seeing the flowers bloom. I understand that you may want to be alone with Andrew and Gemma so let me know. I emailed Jill and Shelly – maybe we can come together, again, if it is not an intrusion for you.
ReplyDeleteOk --- so all I really have to say is I love you. Thank you for loving me back all these years.
Love,
Molly
Dearest Nancy - although we have not met in person, we have met somewhere in infinite space. While I'm sorry that you won't be able to make this journey to Brazil, it is obvious from your beautiful blog that you are in a profound journey of your own. I am sending you love and prayers from Abadiania, and know that many beings of light are with you.. Again, love and blessings to you and your family as well - Josie
ReplyDeleteHi Nanc,
ReplyDeleteI love the mixture of humour and grace with which you are facing the future. I love holding the peace , love and joy with you and feeling it to the very depth of my core, my heart , my soul. Blessings and love to you my dearest friend , and adventurer in the exploration of motherhood. You are a shining light.
Love Always,
Gail and Rod and Leah (Leah sends Goddaughter kisses and hugs)
My darling belle-fille, For the first time, I communicate via the blog, to share my overwhelming awe before the peace, joy and love you feel from within and express to us so very powerfully! The photo of you welcoming the sun transmits such feelings so well. I noticed the beautiful shawl on which your head rests! It was knitted by some caring and prayerful women from my parish and presented to me, on your behalf, during a healing ceremony. Parishioners of St.Basil's follow your progress. They send much love to you as well as all my friends also.
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful that my son is blessed with you by his side and that my darling Gemma follows your footsteps in being interested by the world, by others and is growing in knowledge and diverse interests. I am so proud of her!
I will certainly read the book suggested in your 'book club"
Nancy, tu sais combien je t'aime ! Je t'admire plus que jamais depuis que tu te révèles si clairement! Je t'embrasse avec toute mon affection. Ta belle-maman I
Ive had to deliberate over this message considering its content but I have the conclusion that as much as you are a romantic you are also a realist and you dwell in reality. SO im trusting I wont shock you.
ReplyDeleteIVe got a recent picture you posted up before me and your eyes are mesmerizing me. We all defend ourselves in this world as adults to protect our vulnerabilities, it’s a natural thing to do but looking at you I see you paring down to your essential self, who you were before you knew who you were. I see the little Nancy who I never knew shining in your face. The unadorned self, unaltered and natural. Looking into your eyes right now is very much like looking into the eyes of my old root lama. Eyes so deep inside you get lost inside them. Its like looking through a window into the whole universe. So much seeing going on in Nancy, you are swimming in deep waters over there.
As vast as the universe around us is, that’s as vast as the world inside us is also but we put a filters in as adults to control what comes in and what comes out, to scale it down so we can function in a structured world. We become socialized and we act our age, we assume a sense of being mostly as directed by the world around us, but I can see in your eyes that you are becoming just pure being, just open and unfiltered. The light of deep understanding is shining in your eyes. Its always been there but now its way more pronounced.
I studied for several years with Tibetan Buddhist monks, old incarnate lamas who had lived previous lives and were devoted to the ancient Buddhist teachings which included what to expect when leaving the body.
2 of my old lamas died while I was around them and reincarnated into new little boys who I also met. I do believe we will pick up another body after we drop this one and that death is a portal from one state of being to another.
Which caused me to write this verse……..
“Death exists for all men what’s the point of life you say?
Arnt you glad you had the chance to see it on its way.
Life exists for all men wont you help your brother be
And see that through your helping you are freed.
We are not the body but the spirit here within
We’ll be living on long after bodies dead and gone, because life and death keeps comin down and the world keeps spinning round and round and round.
Lester
part 2
ReplyDeleteThe vedics have a term, “samskaras”. Roughly defined as imprints in the soul that we carry across lifetimes sometimes. These can be from debts we have incurred in life by virtue of bad conduct, or from deep attachments that we have to people and things, or intense emotions we generate during our lives. These samskaras or imprints, it is taught, influence our rebirth for better and worse.
When we leave the body we become a non physical entity like a floating magnetic force with no specific attachment. We have however a unique shape, just like when you put a magnet under a steel plate covered with metal filings all the filings show the pattern of the electrical field around the magnet. We as beings have a magnetic field even outside the body. We don’t have the personality or physical sensory equipment without the body, we are pure energy and we float in that state until we connect with a physical entity that corresponds with our magnetic shape and we choose to enter another life form. But it’s in this current life, in this body, in this time, that we have the 3 precious jewels of body, speech, and mind, and with them a chance to affect our samskaras by resolving things and releasing ourselves. They call it practicing the dharma. I know you are doing this whether by intention or instinct. I can see it in your eyes and hear it in your words.
A fair amount of Buddhist training is focused around breaking ones attachments in this life, releasing oneself from defiling emotions, and training ones mind to be detached but focused, the goal being to liberate oneself from the cycle of existence and/or to gain auspicious rebirth to work for the benefit of all beings. The state of one’s mind at the point of transition is important. As the spirit detaches from the body the mind loses control of its contents and having no physical form any fears manifest as instant appearances terrifying and real and in this moment to be able to stay focused on the positive, love, faith, trust, are the liberating keys. It is taught that if at this moment one can envision the Buddha one will be transported instantly to the Buddha realm.
I like to believe that the Buddha can represent any highly evolved entity. You may have your own lodestar upon whom you rest your faith and whoever that is will be your Buddha. The point is to hold your course. Your presence of mind is your only rudder in this non physical state. It’s pure magnetics at that time and you most certainly are magnetically connected.
So while you enjoy these precious moments with Gem and Andrew in those moments in between remember you do have a future even if it isn’t in Nancy’s body
and its important that you give that dutiful consideration as well as the here an now.
Lester