The Sunday Post

It's a beautiful spring afternoon, and Andrew and I are sitting on our back porch, enjoying the sun and flowers. It has been almost a month since my last post, just after my surrogate surgery, and what a month it has been!

I have encountered setbacks, sleepless nights, pain, and loss of faith at times. Andrew and I have commented on how much easier it is to remain upbeat when well-rested and not in pain...everything goes in cycles, and so what is painful one day may not be the next, but a new painful spot may start. It seems that most of the pain is mechanical such as a pull in the groin that will disappear one day as a result of coughing. My current most intense pain is in my right shoulder blade on my back, there is intense knotting that keeps me awake at night. I had a similar pain in February that a visit to the acupuncturist solved, but for now we are hoping that a visit to the physio on Tuesday will offer relief.

I've not gone to work the last few weeks, as I've not been up to it, and so have been spending more time at home. I do tire of being in one place so long, cabin-fever, I guess. So I'm inviting you to reach out and call me! If I am able to answer, great, and if not, I'll see your name on call display or hear your message, and feel the love all the same.

I've not wanted to write a post from this weakened state; I want to be able to remain hopeful and optimistic, but when I don't feel like that, I tend to not communicate. It's taken me awhile, but I still wanted to reach out to all of you, and from this place of tiredness and weakness, I want you to know how much I love you.

There have been good days peppered throughout this month, including the day I went to see my physician Ellen Coburn this past week, when I had a few great pain-free days. I got the go-ahead from her to travel to Brazil! My glorious friend Tracy will drive up from Eugene and accompany me on this journey.

I am mostly very excited about Brazil (I leave in exactly three weeks), but sometimes the pain and fatigue wear me down, and so goes my enthusiasm. So I'm asking Andrew to post a picture of me taken over Easter weekend in the best hot tub in the world at the Heppenstall's on Galiano Island, and that feels more upbeat.

From Andrew:
Many of you have asked how Gemma and I are faring through this. Gemma is well. Her chosen way seems to be a form of "conscious denial", i.e. she is aware that she doesn't want to talk about it much, or at all. And that's perfectly fine and understandable. She'll deal with it more overtly when she is ready, and in the meantime, I want to support her enjoying her childhood. On a few occasions, she has had some good crys, at bedtime, so she is letting off some steam as well. And she is blessed, as we are, with a wonderful community of friends - some close by in the neighbourhood, others further afield. I love that much of her free time is spent playing outside with various groups of friends, much as many of us did as children.

I am mostly OK and solid. Which means, some of the time I feel OK and solid, at other times I feel overwhelmed and terribly afraid, and sometimes I feel mostly OK with a trace of fear/apprehension/grief/worry that lurks in the background. So it's a bit kaleidoscopic...I am ever so grateful to have spiritual teachers from whom I'm continuing to learn to embrace reality as it presents itself, not as I wish it to be. And this situation affords us with practically infinite opportunities to practice. Layers and layers of depth to it. Whew.

I'm continuing to work some, and that is a mixed experience too. While it does distract me and fulfills me, it also takes time I could be devoting to Nancy and Gemma and home. But Nancy wants space to herself at home, and wants me to keep working. For now, I am doing so, feeling grateful for being able to organize things as manageably as possible.

Many of you have asked how you can help...and we've seen how great people feel when there is something specific they can do. I've so appreciated your calls to check in on me, and while I am not able to return them all, I love hearing your love and support. With Nancy's condition being more challenging of late, we are re-instituting the meal list for 2-3 meals per week only. As before, we will use the planning document at https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UtWdtgakyUxGIOf6O-rrTAb5PU6e1OqHdY6Wv7L6cjc/edit?pli=1

Our hearts are full of love for you, our wonderful community of family and friends. Your care and solicitousness touches us beyond words. May the peace that is beyond understanding, beyond having good or bad days, continue to reveal itself ever more fulsomely in each of us.

Post at High Noon!

What a trip!  From the sounds of it, many of you were with me! (Photo taken yesterday of Constance, my mother-in-law (second from right), with some of her brothers and sisters in the Bahamas, after they prayed and drew hearts on the beach during my "surgery").

I have been on many different types of journeys over the course of my life and this one was in a class of its own.

Physically the miracles started unfolding during the first few hours.  I was actually hungry all day yesterday (I've not felt hungry in weeks) and the greatest thing was that I was able to eat all the wonderful food that Andrew brought to me.  He was the perfect chef and keeper of the space and I love him more all the time.  I didn’t have to take any antacid and I’m sure I will be putting on some needed pounds very soon. But just as the Entities “said” to me, the stomach is the easy part! 

The healing in my body (legs, spine, joints etc) took a different path: intense sessions of pain that responded if I simply allowed them to be.  I had to experience them without adding or subtracting and then they would disappear.  The waves came and went for many hours and throughout the night until they started to diminish.  Today I am almost pain free and I can move in a freer and more natural way. The first activity I engaged in after my 24 hours of surgery was a little tour of the back yard which is being lovingly restored by my friend Sharon Hanna and her pal Jill.

My lungs are a work in progress.  I can breathe more easily and don’t experience the same shortness of breath.  I feel like the Entities did some “physical surgery” and that there will be follow-up work at the “suture removal” session (when I go to bed next Thursday night I am to wear white, leave a glass of water at my bedside and give thanks in the morning).  I will need to be aware that I am recuperating from surgery and take care of myself.

Emotionally and spiritually, my experiences were as real and intense as anything on the physical plane. From the beginning of the session I was confronted with the barriers I put in the way of my miraculous healing.  My mind flashed through all the reasons that I am a person unworthy of healing.  I saw the mistakes I’ve made in my life that I felt were unforgivable.  I experienced my own inability to love myself and how that hampers my ability to love others.  I had to move through that with love and compassion for myself. The process lasted the whole time.  Even this morning at 8:30 I was confronting the belief that I can’t heal from cancer because several of my dear friends died and if Steve and Brandt didn’t live, why should I?  I will never know the answer to this question, but I came to peace with the fact that only the mind of God can know.  

My job is to live a fully as I can each and every day.  The entities did also mention that it is not my time and that I have more to do!  I take comfort in this.

I will leave you with this quote from Josie Ravenwing, the surrogate at the Casa (John of God's centre in Brazil) yesterday and my guide for my upcoming trip there:

John of God will do what he can to help you, but we need to do our part in this process as well, including looking at what we might need to change to support our own well being. Mostly this is internal: changes in thought patterns, attitudes about ourselves, releasing old grievance, etc. Sometimes it also involves outer changes.

Look within, find your answers!

I will keep you posted.

With love and gratitude.

Post: Surgery

Hi all

I realize I have been a bit remiss about posting over the last few weeks.  I have been going into work a few days per week!  It has been a real joy to see everyone and to take back the reins for my students. I have been tired and more short of breath in the last 10 days so that has slowed me down.  That said, I am still generally on an upward trend (as Andrew kindly reminds me when I get discouraged).  Today I had an intense acupuncture session which left me feeling weak, however, by this afternoon I am definitely feeling better.  My new mantra is, "just wait a few hours or days and it will be different" so I try not to stress about anything!

Well, tomorrow is just about here!

We are busy making room for more miracles and I am getting very excited.  The scheduled time for my "surrogate surgery" is 10:00 a.m. Vancouver time on Thursday April 3.  Surrogate surgery, or distance healing, is the same process that Wayne Dyer went through - so I will be in Vancouver the whole time. My surrogate is a lovely woman named Josie, who will stand for me before John of God in Brazil - this is more specific than the simple presentation of a photograph which is what I received last time. Surgery is to be followed by 24 hours strict bed rest. I am to have my meals brought to me and other than that, I am to relax. No talking (always a challenge for me), no radio, music, reading or distractions of any sort.

I will do a blog update on Friday (perhaps around noon) to let you all know what the first day was like. The first week is considered recovery time and there is a session the following week for “suture removal”.

More blogs to come but for now THANK YOU all.

With love and gratitude

PS - picture with Gillian taken last weekend at a dinner outing!