My dearest loves, if you are reading this, then you are near and dear to my heart, always. I am facing the biggest challenge of my life, and I love my life. What is called for here is no less than a miracle, and I intend with all my heart and soul for that to happen. I know that you will join me in this. All of us together, all our thoughts and prayers and meditations and love and food and support and tears and hugs are the substrate of this miracle. My friend Tracy wrote me a beautiful email that said "I know you intend for a miracle, but you ARE the miracle - period". She's a smart lady so she's probably right....too bad the written word doesn't convey context, as I'm laughing now.
The ground of being that I am coming from, to quote Aung San Suu Kyi, is to "prepare for the worst, hope for the best". What "hope for the best" means, to Andrew and me, is to live in happiness, in the present moment, with the firm intention that there be many, many present moments to enjoy, knowing that no one knows the future. Case in point: I have cancer? WTF????? I imagine that some could read this and think "oh there goes Nancy, she's always so darned positive..." but let me be clear - this is not a Pollyanaish "...everything will be OK...", I'm very clear that no one knows if everything will be OK, but I know that peace and happiness for me, and for Andrew & Gemma, is to live in this moment, right now. And in this moment, I'm still here.
I went to Vancouver General Hospital (VGH) on Thursday the 16th (two days after my 59th b-day!), to follow up on a troubling chest x-ray taken a few days earlier, after coughing for three months and having sore legs and back. I spent almost a week at VGH - the people were wonderful, but I was sure glad to get home, which is where I am now.
The exact pathology report is still not available, but the working diagnosis is primary lung cancer with metastases. I have now completed two radiation treatments for lesions in my spine at T1 and L4. This coming week I will have the final three on Mon/Wed/Fri. The purpose of these is to stabilize my vertebrae in order to protect damage to my spinal cord. I am nauseous and my energy is very low, but I am keeping the faith that sometimes things get worse before they get better. My friend Larry has done hypnosis with me to ensure the best possible outcome. It helps me to relax and to visualize my intention.
(I want to give a little background about my immune system. As many of you know, I am generally super healthy, with an immune system that had me avoid ALL the childhood diseases that my siblings had, and has saved me from ever experiencing the flu. However, my theory is that my immune system somehow went to sleep; it failed to recognize that the cancer cells are a threat.)
I think it might be helpful for me to share what it is I'm visualizing, so that we can collectively work on that visualization. As Jesus said, "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them". And if you're not a fan of his, then perhaps you believe in the interconnectedness of all life.
I visualize my immune system waking up, and serving notice to the cancer cells that they are in the wrong place, and they need to vacate, tout-de-suite. My killer T-cells are jumping on the program and evicting the dead and dying cancer cells right and left. All the healthy, normal cells thrive, and re-double their efforts to heal. My blood vessels and lymphatic system are flowing with getting dead cancer cells out, and bringing in oxygen and life.
I've attached a photo taken not 10 days ago because I'm aware that in our default consciousness there is an image and a set of thoughts about what cancer is. As you can see, I am still me. Perhaps in some ways I'm becoming even more me. I've always felt a great deal of love for life and the people in my life, and now, in addition to the love going out, I'm opening and receiving the tremendous amount of love that is coming to me (I'm crying as Andrew is typing this for me, and they are tears of joy).On Tuesday January 28, it's Gemma's 12th birthday, our precious Gem is developing into a beautiful pre-teen, complete with all the attitude, gumption, interests and energy that comes with the territory. Tuesday will be a very full day for her, including x-country skiing and snow tubing, her first away basketball game, and her Vancouver Bach Choir practice. This will be topped off with a pizza birthday party with her friends Amanda, Teryn and Iain. Her actual birthday party is a weekend in Victoria with her "sister" Abby.
Words cannot begin to express my gratitude at having all of you in my life.
Love always,
Nancy.
Note from Andrew:
We so appreciate everyone's care in dropping off food, calling, visiting, etc. And, we're hoping this blog will allow for you to have easy updates...Nancy needs to rest a lot, and we want to spend our together in a way that is as uninterrupted as possible. I will do my best to keep this blog updated, and please feel free to leave comments/suggestions/cancer jokes/relevant links if you wish. My men's team has created a Google doc so that meals may be provided by those who wish to contribute. Please use this rather than dropping food off randomly. Many of you have already signed up for a meal; please know that we are immensely grateful, as our days are so full and intense that shopping and cooking seems practically unimaginable. This meal plan is a Godsend to us - thank you, thank you, thank you. Here is the link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UtWdtgakyUxGIOf6O-rrTAb5PU6e1OqHdY6Wv7L6cjc/edit?pli=1
If/as the need arises, we may also create another Google doc for Gemma care/support or other ways we may need support, such as getting Nancy to treatments and appointments . I have curtailed my travel schedule as much as possible, but there are still a few trips I will undertake, so support will be important especially during these times. As Nancy mentioned above, receiving support and love is wonderful and also vulnerable...I am feeling challenged at letting in all the love you are pouring out...what an amazing opportunity for me to stretch my being in new ways.
Some will offer support and love in ways that are more about prayer and meditation. Whatever circles or groups you participate in or know of, please include Nancy and her visualization in these.
Many of you have shown great love and care in ensuring that my needs are also attended to. Wow. Thank you. This too is wondrously challenging and vulnerable. Please don't let any crust I might display fool you; I am immensely touched and grateful. This is a journey for all of us...
Of course you are also wondering how Gemma is: she is doing and being amazingly well. As my Sensei Diane Musho Hamilton says, we all have a deep and innate sense of how to be with what seems unconfrontable. And in her inimitable way, so she is. She is deeply concerned, of course, at times angry, and fully engaged in her life. We couldn't love her more.
As I finish this post, I am overwhelmed with so much love that flows among us all, and marvelling at life's mysterious ways. May we all dwell in the apparent paradox of deep acceptance of the way things are, while intending for Nancy's health to shine into many more years with us all.
Peace out.
